Romance and Mental Health; Finding the balance.

So valentine's day has come and gone, the 'auspicious' day for roses and chocolates, ties and socks 😉 I hope you had a good time and made endearing memories, tried something new and took lots of pictures. I am convinced it should be more about how you spend it and not just about who you spend it with. Love must first be alive within self before it can be poured out, as long as your heart was dancing and you had a genuine smile on your face, that was a valentine's day well spent . In any case I think everyday should be valentine's day so from my heart to yours,

Happy valentine's day, always remember how special you are. Choose everyday to see yourself through the eyes of those who love you. I pray you receive this truth with all your heart; that this world would be a little more empty without you in it and on the not so good days you still remain a precious gift to so many even if you do not know it yet 💗

We continue to speak about mental health because statistics are showing that an increasing number of us are struggling with mental wellness. Mental health in the simplest terms as I understand it includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. Mental health affects how we think, feel, how we act and helps us determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make decisions. Many issues of life can affect our mental health, romantic relationships are just an item on the list. At the center of emotional, psychological and social well being is who we love and how we process these relationships. Romantic love affects how we think and interact with the rest of the universe and ultimately the quality of life we get to live. Love and romance have a profound effect on how our lives play out because life is lived from the heart.

Let me start by saying that we are intricately sophisticated beings. In His wisdom God created us with the capacity to mold ourselves into the kind of people we want to be. A lot about life is out of our control, however, the little we can control is all we need. This principle is true in relationships as well, we don't have control over what other people decide to do, however, we have absolute control on how we respond. I believe one of the reasons we hurt so deeply when love disappoints is because we have been deceived that love is like strolling in the meadows on a sunny day with the wind blowing through the hair and rose petals flying everywhere. The truth is that love is more than taking a walk in the park. Love is mountaintops and valleys, it is sunshine and rain, we laugh and we cry. Every season has it place.

The challenge is that we insist on staying in the same places because of the euphoria of new beginnings or fear of the unknown and fear of cycles. We resist anything that is not familiar or 'safe' and yet to love is to grow and growth requires some shaking up here and there. Pause for a minute take a deep breath and say with me ' My heart can heal'. Somewhere within ourselves we believe that there are wounds that cannot be healed, that there are wounds so deep that have to last a life time. This is absolutely false. Human hearts are impeccably robust and that's why every time you say this is the last time i will love the heart always finds a way to love again.

I want us to explore different perspectives today. The essence being, to demystify this thing called broken heart. Here's what I have learnt albeit through pain and tears;

1. Not every emotion that feels like love is love.

I know people say that love is not a feeling it is a decision and I agree to some extent. However, there are feelings that inform the decision to love for instance feeling safe, feeling seen, feeling peaceful, feeling wanted, feeling desired. It is very easy to take one of these feelings especially those that you really crave and magnify it and call that love. Looking back I realize that there were times I was infatuated or just attracted to the physique or excited for the butterflies or addicted to the baby girl treatment or intrigued by the new or it was just sex and soul ties, endorphins and the brain sending vibes but it was never love. When we are young and just discovering romantic love most of us were just winging this thing, if it felt good it was love and over time we built ideologies around these feelings then unfortunately because the hearts are still young and tender when disappointment hits they hurt so desperately even though the foundation was flawed from the beginning. Lets let go of the puppy love and first loves that went sour because we really didn't know any better. Let's refuse to continue hurting and choose to learn instead.

2. Everyone is not meant to stay.

Nothing really compares to the pain of a break up, you have to go through it to know it. I have had break ups where it felt like everything was hazy like I was just floating through time, like time had stopped and I was lost because I'm spending so much energy trying to wrap my head around what just happened or those ones that you've been preparing yourself for for months and when you finally get the courage to do it still feels like the ground has disappeared from under your feet. Then there's those heart breaks that feel like you don't have a right to hurt because you were not going steady yet or they said they needed time to decide... and the list is endless.

Break ups are difficult because separating from someone you love especially if they were part of your everyday is some type of death and it takes a lot to grieve and accept that what was no longer is. The aftermath especially if you begged them to stay is feelings of humiliation, unworthiness, regret, confusion and it takes a real minute to work through these and if care is not taken healing may never happen. While I acknowledge the plunder that the heart endures during these times the truth is that people have a right to leave.

Relationships are not perpetual contracts, healthy relationships are built on free will and mutual consent. As scary as this is we must always have this at the back of our minds that at any time that partner we cannot imagine living our lives without could decide they no longer want to be with us. There is no guarantee that the person you fell for will remain the same, if anything change is sure. I have learnt that true love liberates, when you really love some one you let them go. The one who is meant for you will stay, everyone else is a guide helping you reach your destination. Do not loose your focus trying to hold on to everyone.

This understanding helps us forge relationships with care. We need to do our due diligence before we give anyone access to our hearts. Ensure that you have good standards and healthy boundaries because the risk is to high and we cannot afford to be lazy.

3. I have not always been worthy of the love I desired.

love comes naturally to us but there is a skill required to nurture love. Learning how to accommodate an entire human being in your heart and into your life takes time and experience. Knowing how to respond to issues and address uncomfortable situations and conversations demands more than intuition and good intentions, the distinction between the wheat and the chaff comes down to tact and selflessness.

I know the discussions about what we bring to the table can easily rub some of us the wrong way. I agree that the phrasing is not pleasing to the ear but I think the premise makes sense. One question that I ask myself just to get perspective is, can God trust me with the heart of any of his sons. There was a time i was too selfish, too ignorant, too needy, too empty, too lost, too broken, if God gave me any of His sons they would have returned to Him buttered and traumatized, then He would have to heal them again because yow!

Sometimes its not that love has failed us, truth is sometimes we are not ready. Everyone deserves to be loved, but we are not always worthy of that love. To insist that we continue to receive without giving in equal measure is unfair. If we are honest with ourselves, we will find that we have also broken our fair share of hearts, hearts the did not deserve the hurt we caused.

4. It gets better.

In closing, I want to suggest that we be intentional about giving purpose to pain because in the end even when we give it our best shot there is no guarantee that we will not be disappointed. We must refuse to continually hurt over the past, it serves no purpose other than keeping us stranded and burdened. Refuse to walk through life with a wounded heart. When the pain is fresh it feels like it will never go away, please remember that you are not alone many of us have made it through and so can you. Take it one day at a time, spend time with family and friends, be patient with the process, talk to someone you trust about how you feel. Better days are ahead, It gets better i promise.

The Lord in His mercy mend our hearts and make us whole again, may He erase every trace of our past pain, we will remember it no more. He is able in Jesus Name.

See you next post,

Adios 💜