The lucid life.

For a while now i have been thinking about moving to the next phase. In my work life, spiritually, relationships...all of it, i want to see things happening. I'm done with the endless preparation, taking notes, doing research and all that good stuff, i want the fun part. No more waiting for ideal situations, no perfection, just gonna start where i am with what i got and deal with whatever comes like the boss girl that i am.

So i start taking stock of all of these things that i want to change right now and i realize that I've got a lot of in betweens in my life. There are a lot of things that are just hanging; started but aborted halfway ideas, present but kind of absent people, i'm in but kinda out type of situations, the lets wait and see how it goes kind of commitments. Clearly its time to get clarity on what is what.

It has not been easy, especially when it comes to relationships. How do i tell people i really like that look, i do not want to do this with you anymore, or i have outgrown this or i love you but you cant come where i am going or i'm going to start charging you for that. How do i navigate the fact that i am changing and i want different things now, i want more. How do i say no, how do i let go?

I am learning that its okay to change my mind and it takes courage to communicate that to people i care about. I am learning that the reason i have all these grey areas is because the kind of change i want may need bridges to be burnt, its either the bird in the hand or the two in the bush, i cannot eat my cake and have it and that is the scary part. What if i set out into the wild and i get devoured, what if i leave the familiar and venture into the unknown and fall flat on my face. Perhaps there is a better way, maybe nothing has to be severed. What if i get there and that grass is not green.

I know now that seeking clarity doesn't only mean having to walk away, its dealing with the possibility of rejection. The possibility of people walking away , my people could decide my convictions don't make sense, maybe they will not be feeling them like that, the possibility of being the only one on my team, having to walk it alone. There is a real risk of discovering a truth that i am not ready for, the variables of the possible outcomes are endless. In a way its like a Pandora's box, you go out in search of one thing and find out so much more than you are ready for.

In spite of all that could go wrong, light is always better than darkness. Its better to fumble alone in light than get cozy in the dark. So as part of my SWOT strategy in this regard, communication is key. Learning to listen more and respond with honesty, gentleness and kindness while remaining true to myself, keep it real and don't compromise. I know now, that those who are for you will always be, those who are not will leave anyway and that is exactly how it's supposed to be.

Things are looking up on this other side, the many conflicting voices are silent now and there is more certainty, more energy and time to focus on what really matters. There is still work to be done but I'm glad i came here, its more peaceful. I can hear myself think, i have time to take deep breaths, pray about it, take the lesson and move on to the next. Allowing myself to linger in the shadows was a facade, nothing is really what it seems, its all confusion, until you ask the right questions. In the words of Mary Rubin, 'when the meaning is unclear there is no meaning'. So from where i stand, the proverbial what are we? can i get a raise? have you forgiven me? and many more , are questions that are perfectly in order.

May you have the desire to find out what makes you tick,

May you pursue what excites you with valour.

Happy asking.

See you next post,

adios.