PIECES OF ME.

For the longest time i have been isolated, learning in silence, watching and waiting. Never really having the audacity to put myself out there, scared that i wasn't good enough, not exciting enough, like there is so much more to be, before i can fit in this public life. I realize now that will never happen, because i am not supposed to fit in, each of us is different and that is the beauty of it, so here i am.

It has been a long and winding journey, there were days i was full of life and then there were days i barely made it through. All i know is that in both scenarios, i always found a story. there was always a video on you tube or a podcast or a blog, or even a status on whats app where i found real time stories that challenged my perception, stories that depicted the tenacity of humanity, that people are going through horribly difficult times in this world and getting through them everyday. I am a product of the tales of strangers, men and women who dared to be naked for all of us to see and somehow in their expression, i found a path to start my healing. In the same way i hope as i share my thoughts and experiences that i can inspire and encourage, or just put a smile on your face, however small the contribution , i want to try.

There have been two events in my life that completely shook me to the core, changed who i was and the trajectory of my life. One, was the day i went down on my knees and had a conversation with Jesus because i wanted a life that has meaning, i wanted to know why i am here on earth because just living was not cutting it for me anymore , there had to be something more. This was and still is the best decision i ever made, Jesus just loves different and even though i am a little crazy, He gets me, we are still working on me, one day at a time. The second was a Sunday afternoon in September 2017, i will never forget it. I decided to take an afternoon nap and when i woke up i had like a hundred messages on my phone. everybody talking about how sorry they were, sending me condolence messages.

I remember having to sit, because i couldn't believe what i was seeing. The love of my life had died, just like that. So i take my phone shaking like a leaf, still thinking in my head that there has to be some kind of mistake. Then i call his phone and its switched off, i call his dad who picks up and i tell him that i would like to speak to my fiance and he tells me that he will have him call me back. I could tell from his voice that something was wrong but i didn't push it. Eventually i confirmed that it was true, my best friend had died. Just like that i would never see him again, no goodbye no warning. it was over, i have never felt so helpless in my life. So i called my mum amidst sobs and told her, i remember the look in her eyes when she got home later that day, how we just hugged and cried wondering what we were supposed to do now.

I was in a trance for days after that, somewhere between consciousness and agony. Just walking around numb, trying to act like i was living a normal life, but my soul was shattered, i was so so angry. I cried myself to sleep night after night, i remember there were days i would be so upset when i woke up in the morning because the pain was too much, i thought it would be better if i just went to sleep and never woke up. I remember just breaking down everywhere, in a matt on my way home from class, in the office out of nowhere, when i went out with friends i had moments where i would start sobbing uncontrollably, i was broken. I came face to face with the utter fickle reality of life. it was an epiphany, wake up call and slap in the face all at once.

My fiances death exposed all the other broken parts of me, i saw all these pieces of me that were scattered all over the place and needed fixing. All this dysfunction that i was carrying around, ignoring was staring at me in the face and i had a decision to make. I could continue to wallow in my anguish, i could be angry at the whole world but that would not bring him back or i could get into my closet and start dealing with these skeletons, start facing my demons. So everyday we do our best Jesus and me, and things are getting better, some days are harder than others but He has my back. even when i am acting a fool and i push Him away, Jesus never gives up on me. i want to live now, my best life everyday. Though the heaviness still lingers sometimes, i have made peace with it, i am strong enough to bear it. So to whoever is reading this today and is going through some form of heart ache, i just to say you wont always hurt, yes it will be devastating for a while, whatever it is, it WILL get better.

May you have the courage to face adversity,

Know that you are strong enough to face whatever life brings your way,

I am praying for you.

see you next post,

adios.